Actually i've been wanting to blog for quite awhile, abt many things i wanted 2 share with everyone. those meaningful stuff. but then, as days went by, i doubted the purpose of those thoughts anyway; hence the long gap since my last entry. (of coz like every1 else, i was bz too)

This Chinese New Year was pretty different from the rest. =) i did alot of stuff i dont normally get 2 do on new years. Juz to list a few..

1. My aunt's maid's dad passed away on new years eve, so i was talking 2 her abit tat night. (i noe its abit superstitiously inauspicious 2 talk abt such stuff, but tot i shld. Edna, wherever u r, we all want ya 2 noe that we feel ur anguish and loss too..)

2. Spent ALL my time so far with my family. tats quite a change 4 me, used 2 spend it wif my frns alot too. Really enjoyed the extra time i got 2 spend wif my mum n younger bro, heh.

3. Went down to my father's side of the family. been like, 3 yrs since i last went. never could really drag myself down, didnt wanna answer the 1001 embarrassing questions abt my age, and occupation last time. fortunately, when i went down yest, it wasnt bad at all. sometimes humans (like me) juz like 2 imagine the worst!

4. I watched Memoirs of the Geisha, DVD, at my uncle's place. again. but it was real nice. enjoyed the show tremendously. Rather than only gambling. my uncle's plasma tv rox too, heh.

When I was watching, i recalled a line in the show, which alex kinda remembered pretty vividly too. I'm not sure of the exact words, but in essence, i felt that the meaning would be:

"You can't ask for more sunshine; you can't ask for less rain."

Well, for some things in life, you juz gotta let them be. But for everything else, you gotta fight for them. There are simply some things u simply cant force 2 order. In the last 2 mths, i've learnt quite a fair bit abt patience. I firmly believe that:

"Patience contemplates the virtue."

Too many times, i've tried too hard to please the ppl i care for. Too often hav i 4gotten the intricacies of my own emotions. If i cant even respect myself, how can i hope for the respect of others? It would be for my own good, and certain for the better of those i care for too, if i learn how 2 appreciate myself better, and not always wallow in self-depreciation, and 4get my own stuff by immersing into the problems of others.

Maybe it aint too big a deal for many people, but i was pretty shocked tat many ppl who havnt seen me for like, a yr, said i lost alot of weight. Seriously, I'm not happy at all. i'm not obsessed wif my chubbiness, but i'm affected tat i'm losing weight tis way. i went 2 weigh myself, i lost 10kgs since mid dec. well mayb i ought 2 lose the weight, but tat really warns me that my mood does affect my physique directly. Sometimes, people get too obsessed with other people ard them tat they dont really remember their own existence. chessy it may sound, but its really relevant.

I should know what I can do in life. I should know what i can excel in. So why the hell aint i doing those things fully yet? those things r what i Can do, even tho i may not end up doing them as well as others. I shld stop spending time on things i hav utterly no control over. This aint a lament; its another layer of understanding for myself i acquired. I've always hypothesized tat all humans are Very complex creatures. =)

Gonna work and play harder this coming yr. Whichever it is, i want 2 do things not only for others, but for myself too. not becoz i've mastered the art of "selfishness", lol, but becoz i tink i'm lagging pretty far behind, in terms of cherishing myself.

"If you want to love the rest of the world, you gotta start with loving the small and seemingly insignificant entity called yourself."

"Everyone maybe unworthy of somebody else's love, but nobody should feel unworthy of their own love."