Actually i've been wanting to blog for quite awhile, abt many things i wanted 2 share with everyone. those meaningful stuff. but then, as days went by, i doubted the purpose of those thoughts anyway; hence the long gap since my last entry. (of coz like every1 else, i was bz too)

This Chinese New Year was pretty different from the rest. =) i did alot of stuff i dont normally get 2 do on new years. Juz to list a few..

1. My aunt's maid's dad passed away on new years eve, so i was talking 2 her abit tat night. (i noe its abit superstitiously inauspicious 2 talk abt such stuff, but tot i shld. Edna, wherever u r, we all want ya 2 noe that we feel ur anguish and loss too..)

2. Spent ALL my time so far with my family. tats quite a change 4 me, used 2 spend it wif my frns alot too. Really enjoyed the extra time i got 2 spend wif my mum n younger bro, heh.

3. Went down to my father's side of the family. been like, 3 yrs since i last went. never could really drag myself down, didnt wanna answer the 1001 embarrassing questions abt my age, and occupation last time. fortunately, when i went down yest, it wasnt bad at all. sometimes humans (like me) juz like 2 imagine the worst!

4. I watched Memoirs of the Geisha, DVD, at my uncle's place. again. but it was real nice. enjoyed the show tremendously. Rather than only gambling. my uncle's plasma tv rox too, heh.

When I was watching, i recalled a line in the show, which alex kinda remembered pretty vividly too. I'm not sure of the exact words, but in essence, i felt that the meaning would be:

"You can't ask for more sunshine; you can't ask for less rain."

Well, for some things in life, you juz gotta let them be. But for everything else, you gotta fight for them. There are simply some things u simply cant force 2 order. In the last 2 mths, i've learnt quite a fair bit abt patience. I firmly believe that:

"Patience contemplates the virtue."

Too many times, i've tried too hard to please the ppl i care for. Too often hav i 4gotten the intricacies of my own emotions. If i cant even respect myself, how can i hope for the respect of others? It would be for my own good, and certain for the better of those i care for too, if i learn how 2 appreciate myself better, and not always wallow in self-depreciation, and 4get my own stuff by immersing into the problems of others.

Maybe it aint too big a deal for many people, but i was pretty shocked tat many ppl who havnt seen me for like, a yr, said i lost alot of weight. Seriously, I'm not happy at all. i'm not obsessed wif my chubbiness, but i'm affected tat i'm losing weight tis way. i went 2 weigh myself, i lost 10kgs since mid dec. well mayb i ought 2 lose the weight, but tat really warns me that my mood does affect my physique directly. Sometimes, people get too obsessed with other people ard them tat they dont really remember their own existence. chessy it may sound, but its really relevant.

I should know what I can do in life. I should know what i can excel in. So why the hell aint i doing those things fully yet? those things r what i Can do, even tho i may not end up doing them as well as others. I shld stop spending time on things i hav utterly no control over. This aint a lament; its another layer of understanding for myself i acquired. I've always hypothesized tat all humans are Very complex creatures. =)

Gonna work and play harder this coming yr. Whichever it is, i want 2 do things not only for others, but for myself too. not becoz i've mastered the art of "selfishness", lol, but becoz i tink i'm lagging pretty far behind, in terms of cherishing myself.

"If you want to love the rest of the world, you gotta start with loving the small and seemingly insignificant entity called yourself."

"Everyone maybe unworthy of somebody else's love, but nobody should feel unworthy of their own love."

Ever wondered like, how much some1 u used to love has "changed"? or perhaps, how much u seem to notice his/her flaws now?
Ever thought how weird it is that relationships these days cant last, and yet some couples remain happily married?

Well, most of us (myself included) always try to find answers from within, trying to rationalise the issues by going over and over things which had happened. In the next few minutes, take time to understand how our different hormones actually played a part in our emotions, and perhaps you may gain a new perspective.

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A successful relationship could be broken up into 3 stages.

Stage 1

> lust

at this stage, our actions are driven by testosterone and oestrogen. We get physically attracted to the other party (or parties). These hormones get us started in "looking around".

Stage 2

> attraction

this is the love-struck phase. people start doing silly things like losing sleep, losing appetite. we prefer to spend time daydreaming about a new found lover, rather than doing other impt stuff.
a group of neuro-transmitters, monoamines, play an important role here.

1. dopamine (also activated by cocaine and nicotine)
2. norepinephrine (also known as andrenaline. causes sweating, and starts the heart racing)
3. serotonin (the MOST impt chemical for love, the one which gets people temporarily insane. it also causes one to be blind to the flaws of the other party. However, it normally only lasts for 2 yrs, 3-4 at max.)

I guess thats why they say love can be blind yeah?

Stage 3

> Attachment

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. Sadly, as a personal opinion, few romances last this long anymore. Attachment is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children. Important in this stage are two hormones released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments.

1. oxytocin (cements the strong bond between two people. released during sexual activities.)
2. vasopressin (an impt chemical in the long-term commitment stage)

Many people think that sex is frivolous, and it aint impt. actually tats not tru. sex shld not b confused with lust. its normal that people dun feel tat lustful anymore, but lust isent the only component for sex. i mean if tats the case, how on earth do old people do it??

Tats why many couples either stay 2gether for 2-3 months (read: duration of "lust" stage), or 2-3 yrs (read: duration of "attraction" stage), or forever. of cse there are exceptions, since love aint only about chemical secretions.

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That said, I'd like to ask all in love, as well as all who wants to be in love, a question. Do you noe what u really want? Are u wanting to find a lifelong partner? coz if u do, u gotta understand that the hormone serotonin (recap: chemical which makes people temporaily insane, and makes people blind to the flaws of others) can only last that long. no matter who u gonna find, no matter how matter times u gonna repeat the 1st 2 stages, if u dun realise the insufficiency of serotonin, its juz a matter of time b4 u gonna give up.

I'm sad. Not because i see people breaking up. but because people spend their lives looking for something which was always right in front of them. Yet we never noe till its too late eh?